I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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