she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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