I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
