I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
