once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
