Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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