dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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