Betty ford says i'm here all night
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
