Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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