I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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