ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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