Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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