Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
