Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
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