someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
