Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
