We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
