with your own penis?
If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
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