This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
