brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
