If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
