i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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