Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
