Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Randomize
