if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Randomize
