if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
