do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
