Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
