using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
