Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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