So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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