I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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