I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
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