The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
