mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
being pregnant is like rehab
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
