Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
