Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
