you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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