My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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