he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
