So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
