the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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