You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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