I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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