He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
