So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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