I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
