i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
