I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
