Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
