And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
