We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
