when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
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