I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
