So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
