I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
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