I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize