Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
you didnt know i had herpes?
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Randomize