Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
